Single, She Wrote

So, I’ve been getting discouraged. That’s no secret. I do think I’m getting pickier, which can’t help, but I have to put some of the blame on the quality of the candidates. It’s not pretty.

This week in my inbox I had two lovely surprises. The first one, some poor guy’s attempt at romantic poetry. He wrote a poem about my eyes. I was going to type it out here, but I couldn’t bring myself to subject you to it. Terrible.

The next surprise? An offer for NSA (no strings attached) sex. That’s just perfect. I guess I’ve been kicking around on these sites for long enough that some loser finally took pity on me and thought, well, she must be desperate now, I’ll swoop in and dazzle her with my offer for a “red hot night of passion” (that is an exact quote). Somebody kill me now, please.

I’m about ready to pack it in. If I thought I could switch teams and start hanging in lesbian circles, I would be all over that, but it’s just not in me.

So I guess I am stuck here in dating purgatory. Maybe Spring will bring a fresh perspective and new hope, and with any luck, a few new divorcees!

One can hope….

Just so you don’t think I’m holding out on you! I haven’t had a date this week. And there is no date in sight.

I’m getting pickier…this is not a good thing.

I got home from a week’s holiday in Key West to find my eharmony inbox full! Things are looking up. I quickly glanced through the lot of the them last night–a couple of keepers. I fired off a the requisite “first questions” and am waiting for the replies. Could be interesting.

I’m not sure I love the “guided communication.” It seems so unnatural to be asking someone “tell me what you are most proud of,” “who is the most influential person in your life?” “describe your ideal partner” etc. But that’s the process. You can ask for a “fast-track” to just exchanging emails, but from what I can tell, eharmony clients like the guided route, so I’ll play along.

So far I have a handful of interesting matches and we’re at varying stages in the communciation process. I’ve made it all the way (my how the meaning of that phrase has changed in my advanced age!) with one match, and we’ve agreed to enter into “open discussion.” We shall see!

Just wanted to give you all a quick update. I’m still here. Still looking. And for the most part, still enjoying the process. But having spent a week with my parents, I have to admit that I’m anxious to find what they have. They’re so cute together and still the best of friends, 41 years and counting. If we could all be so lucky….

I thought I better post an update today, even if I don’t really have much to say. What’s going on with my dating life? Not much.

But in honour of Valentine’s Day, I decided to shake things up a little. I abandoned Plenty of Fish, the free dating site, and went with a friend’s suggestion to try eHarmony. I filled out their long personality profile and anxiously waited to see my “perfect matches” based on 27 “proven markers” of relationship success. Well, the little hour glass did its thing on my screen and then….NOTHING. “We’re sorry but there are no matches for you at this time.” What? I just paid how much for what??  No wonder I am having no luck in the dating world, I am apparently not compatible with anyone. Sigh.

So I went to bed last night a little discouraged. But, when I logged on this morning, different story. Apparently lots of lonely people signed up last night! There were 12 matches in my Inbox. 0 to 12, not bad for one night.

I quickly glanced through the profiles. Not too shabby! I had to get to work so I had no time to play, but I’ll fill you in later. You know, when I’m having a glass of wine all by myself in front of the computer.

 Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

So date night ended, very predictably, with ambivalence.

It was neither all good, nor all bad. What can I say?

It started off with a very unusual cab ride. I got in, told the driver Bank and Sunnyside, and he asked me where Bank St was. Seriously? I assured him that I knew where I was going and could instruct him, but he insisted on calling his brother for directions. I have a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t his cab. Anyway, he then asked me if I had a boyfriend. Right off that bat, just like that. I answered no, and so his next question was, “is that what you’re doing now–looking for a boyfriend?” I just laughed, but he continued to “interview” me and then in the span of about five minutes “figured me out” and declared that my “mercury was too high” and I didn’t have enough “sun.” He was an astrologer. Interesting assessment, but not all that helpful! When I got out the cab he yelled after me “Good luck finding a boyfriend!” Very nice. Luckily my date was not  standing out front of the restaurant where we had planned to meet.

Anyway, on to the actual date recap. I arrived before him and got a table. When he walked in, I could tell he was geeky–but in an endearing way. I’m really a fan of geeks at heart. However, there is a VERY fine line between charmingly geeky and just plain geeky. I’m still not sure where he falls in the spectrum.

Some good stuff:

• Very friendly with all the restaurant staff–struck up a long conversation with the owner about photography etc
• A great story-teller–he talked more than I did and that never happens!
• Obviously loves his job, talked about it with such passion
• Successful, ambitious, smart, sarcastic, pop-culture savvy, literature graduate, and full of odd facts and trivia (I love that)
• A very devoted father
• A courteous ex-husband who has a good relationship with his ex-wife
• Lots of friends
• NOT into winter sports!

Not so good stuff:

• Ordered the wine without asking what I wanted
• Isn’t a “diner” in the sense that I am –straight to main courses, and then afterwards asked me if I wanted to share a dessert…
• Took a phone call during dinner (from a friend who turned out to be alerting him to a sale at Danier Leather)
• Interrupted me quite a bit
• Didn’t pay for dinner (I’m old-fashioned this way, but it isn’t a huge deal)
• Talked a bit too much about previous dates he’d been on–he wasn’t critical of people, but still a bit too much time spent on it for my liking
• Admitted that he was dating multiple women right now but would be happy to be exclusive when he meets the right one
• small shoulders–call me crazy, but I like a man who can make me feel little
• I can’t decide if he’s arrogant or just confident
• There was no laughing–not sure about sense of humor

So, like always, I’m just not sure. It wasn’t earth-shattering. I think if he asks me out again I’ll go. Everyone deserves at least two dates. But if he doesn’t ask, I won’t pursue.

Maybe once I figure out how to reduce my mercury and increase my sun, everything will fall into place. Until then, I fear there will be many more ambivalent dates in my future. Sigh.

So, we’re heading out tonight. He picked the restaurant–Carmen’s Veranda in Ottawa South. Anyone been there? I’m thinking of taking a cab to due to my intense phobia of parallel parking on Bank St. I’m a loser, I know. He offered to pick me up, but I think that would be a bit awkward. And no, I didn’t tell him that I’m scared to park, though according to Oprah’s dating expert yesterday, I probably should have.

This “expert” came on and talked about what she referred to as “the pickle jar effect,” claiming that men like to feel like men, and if that means asking them to open the pickle jar even when we are fully capable ourselves, then so be it. Anything to protect his male ego. Acting like you need a little help sometimes apparently goes a long way. I found this advice to be completely ridiculous, but then again, I’m quite clearly not an expert myself!

Anyway, I’m excited about date night. It’s amazing how I’ve been able to carefully protect my optimism against all odds, but there you have it. I’m looking forward to it!

Wish me luck!

 I’ll post a date recap later.

I’ve had to cancel my date tonight with Edward Norton.

The forecast is for 40 cms of snow! 40! I really wanted to meet him tonight, but not enough to get stranded downtown. A sleepover on the first date is not advisable!

So now we’re trying to reschedule–not an easy task when you’re a single parent, and more difficult if you are nannyless like he is. So evenings next week are out: he has his son. Next weekend is out: he has his son until Sunday night.

We’re now looking at lunch possibilities next week, which are difficult for me at the moment because I am extremely busy at work, and need to get to the gym so as not to be too fat to date. 

Not exactly a recipe for success is it? But, I will persevere and keep you posted.

So disappointed.

I finally heard from Three Dates guy. He politely wrote to tell me that he didn’t see a future for us (when he put it that way it made it sound like we were planning a life together, but anyway!). He was very honest and mature, which is what I would have expected. He simply said that at his stage in life, as much as he liked me, he just couldn’t see getting involved with someone with such young children.

I have to say that I respect this and understand. I’m not sure if I had a 14 year old and a 10 year old, that I’d want to be welcoming someone’s one year old into my life. It’s one thing to be willing to date someone with kids, but it’s quite another to be willing to start all over from the beginning.

It has me thinking about the practicality of setting my sights on men in their 40s. My theory seemed pretty good at first. I, for one, like the idea of dating a man whose kids are older, for the very reason that I would find it hard to welcome someone else’s toddlers into my already toddler/preschooler saturated household. And therein lies the conundrum. I’m looking for men with older kids, but as Three Dates guy has demonstrated, not all 40 somethings want to re-live the early childhood years.

So it’s hard to be upset. I get it. Where it leaves me now, I’m not sure, but I’m confident that I’ll figure it out.

Oh, and I chose drinks on Friday night, not coffee (big surprise there!). I haven’t picked a place yet though. We all know Black Tomato is out. Any suggestions?  He’s a red wine drinker (finally!) and is also a fan of martinis (the Bond kind, not the girly kind). If it goes well, we’ll stay on for dinner, if not, I’ll be home early with a story to tell.

And so it continues. Wish me luck!

So, I haven’t heard from Three Dates guy–not a peep. I’m now officially annoyed. All I ask for is a little maturity. If you’re not interested, simply say so. I can handle it. Anyway, that isn’t the interesting development. I went back online last night to see what kind of activity my profile was getting. I had the usual array of annoying messages from completely inappropriate candidates (and some repeat offenders who I guess are hoping since I’m still around that maybe I’ve lowered my standards a tad and they can sneak in there), but there was also a jewel amidst the trash.

Unlike Three Dates guy, it wasn’t his profile pic that encouraged me to read on. It was his subject line: “Doesn’t skeptimisticaly have two Ls?”  And right he is–though it depends on what fake word dictionary you use, but still, I admired his commitment to proper spelling. Yes, I’m that much of a geek.

Well, we got to chatting, texting, whatever. He’s smart, educated, sarcastic, very quick-witted, pop-culture savvy, and well-read. And his vocabulary is bigger than mine. I would so lose at Scrabble!

He isn’t the “type” that I thought I had so carefully crafted. He’s not a guy’s guy, he doesn’t even watch sports. He’s 33, not 40 something. He is average height, average looks. In fact, he looks exactly like Edward Norton. Seriously. I thought he cleverly used a picture of Edward Norton for his profile pic, but no, there’s just an uncanny resemblance. (He told a funny story about being in Toronto during the Film Festival and how hilarious it was to watch people get all nervous with him in elevators.)

 Anyway, I won’t go on and on (more than I already have). We haven’t even met. We’ve shared a few hours chatting back and fourth, and we all know this means squat. We could meet and it could fall flat instantly, like so many times before (I’m not jaded, no, not at all!).  But I’m intrigued. And that says a lot right now.

I was thinking about it this morning, and I think my interest in this “type” returns me to my roots. He’s more like my first love and really nothing like my ex-husband. And that HAS to be a step in the right direction.

 We’re meeting for coffee or cocktails on Friday. My choice. I’m not sure yet which I’ll choose. Shut up all of you, I have been known to choose coffee (well, tea, but now we’re getting into semantics!)

It’s so nice when you think no one is reading to get a special request for a post. A couple of you wrote (to my email–why the fear of posting?!), but this is primarily for P.

 An update. Well, I hate to disappoint, but there isn’t much to say at this point, at least not about the the prospect who made it to date #3. We’ve still not managed to hook up for date #4. I was away all this week, he has his daughters this weekend, and on top of that, I really feel like the momentum has been lost.

I don’t want to over-analyze. I don’t want to be a “chick” about this. But I think I can trust my instincts (what choice do I have really) and they’re telling me that this isn’t going anywhere. It’s not just how difficult it is to get together, it’s also this nagging feeling inside that insists that I’m settling, that I’m aiming my sights on those who I think won’t disappoint, rather than on the kind of person I really want, but who I believe won’t want me now that I’m a package deal. Still following?

Who can  forget my ex’s decree: “Honestly, I didn’t think anyone would take her on!” Take me on! I laughed then, but now I see that I must have taken some of his insult to heart, because I may very well be pitching myself at those who I believe have no choice but to “take on” what I offer. Because when I step outside myself for a minute, put aside the fact that I’m a ready-made family, the kind of person I want to meet differs drastically. That says something, doesn’t it?

 I don’t know! I don’t want to hold out for perfect, or for some ideal that simply doesn’t exist. But then I don’t want to settle for less right now either.  And I’m cautious of the fact that I’ve always been more interested in getting people to like me, rather than be the one doing all the liking. I’m a people-pleaser that way. I’m trying to change. Maybe I’m just not ready for any of this.  

Who the hell knows? This is hard!